Tag Archives: CNN

Fake News For CNN…How HRC’s Questioning by The FBI Happened…

THIS IS SATIRE.

Location: Washington, D.C.

Enter HRC and Huma Abedin; already in the room are two FBI agents, Peter Strzok and Agent P.

HRC: Good morning, gentlemen. So glad you can accommodate us here today.

Strzok: Good morning, Madam President. You are most welcome. I am so glad to meet you face to face; it’s been a dream and a true honor.

HRC: Of course. See if they are wearing any wires, Huma.

Abedin: Do I have to? Can’t we trust them?

HRC: Trust but verify! Search them and if you won’t, I will just have them strip so we can see what Lisa gets that’s so good. Well?

Abedin: Fine. It’s bad enough having to look at Anthony’s weiner much less his!

(She pats down Strzok and Agent P.) They are clean.

Strzok: You know, that felt good! We should do it again!

HRC: Shut up! Let’s get on with this. Agent P. go make us some coffee. Make sure you roast and grind the beans real slooooow, catch my drift?

Agent P.: Jawohl! I mean, yes, Madam President! (He leaves the room.)

HRC: Peter, on my way over here, I remembered a certain nursery rhyme. Want to hear my version of it?

Strzok: Why, yes, Madam President!

HRC: Say it Huma!

Abedin: I can’t remember it very well!

HRC: What the f$#k! It’s a nursery rhyme, how can you not remember it?

Abedin: But it rolls off your masterful tongue so much better, Madam President!

HRC: Don’t patronize me or I’ll have you sleeping with Anthony again!

Abedin: Please, not in front of the help!

HRC: Okay, okay! Peter, you listen and listen well, got it?

Strzok: Yes, Madam President!

HRC (clears her throat): Peter, Peter, conspirator
With many others and a lover
Peter may have to go to jail
Where he’ll be loved without fail!

Strzok (clapping but looking somewhat worried): Excellent! Most excellent! Ma’am!

HRC: See here Peter, you’ll do what I say and from here on out you’ll be most favored! Understand?

Strzok: Absolutely, yes!

HRC: Now, did you bring Comey’s draft?

Strzok: Yes!
(Gives her a document.)

HRC (reads document, shaking her head as she does so. Done, she clears her throat.): We are going to have a few fixes her, Peter. You know what “gross negligence” here suggests?

Strzok: Something criminal?

HRC: That’s right, Peter. Smart boy! Now why would anybody suggest that I’m a criminal when my f$#king opponent is that tasteless loser? You’ve got the guaranteed loser part figured out, right?

Strzok: An insurance policy against that douche winning, yes, Ma’am!

HRC: What do you know about douches, Peter?

Strzok: Nothing, Madam President, it’s just an expression.

HRC: I see! Well, we’re going to have to fix this draft, just like I said! It will take me some time to get it right. Understood?

Strzok: Yes, Ma’am.

HRC: Now, about my electronic devices, they’ve been destroyed?

Strzok: Naturally!

HRC: And they weren’t any attempts to read them?

Strzok: None whatsoever!

HRC: Good, good!

Strzok: It’s highly commendable that Madam President knows what questions to ask!

HRC: You don’t actually believe the stuff you see on Fox News do you?

Strzok: Why, no, Madam President; of course not! But that clip about wiping servers with a cloth or something…

HRC: What the f$#k are you doing watching that channel anyway? I knew it! I knew it! I can’t trust anyone!

Strzok: But Ma’am…

HRC: Don’t f#$king but me…I said that to fool all those deplorables and Walmart shoppers…you know the people I am talking about! They eat up this crap just like they buy into the missing emails being about doing yoga and Chelsea’s wedding! Don’t you get it?

Strzok: Yes, yes! I do! That Gruber guy was right!

HRC: Damned right he was! Don’t you ever, ever question my judgment again. Understand?

Strzok: Yes! Madam President, there’s another pressing matter?

HRC: And that is?

Strzok: Bernie Sanders, Ma’am. What do you want to do to keep his mind right?

HRC: Don’t worry about that old fool! I’m going to make him an offer he can’t refuse. We’ve got it covered.

Strzok: I’m sorry to have to bring this up, Madam President but as I understand it, Loretta stays put as AG, Comey as Director, McCabe as Deputy and, and…

HRC: I know, I know. They are too many good people to mention. Look, I take care of my friends. Under my administration I intend to form a very, very, special, elite, unit, you may get to lead it!

Strzok: Inside the FBI?

HRC: Out of the White House! Ever heard of the Gestapo, Peter?

Strzok: Don’t compare us to them, yet, Madam President. We aspire, that’s all!

HRC: I know. But there’s our model. If these right wing motherf$#kers think Lois Lerner was a big deal; they’ll soon get straightened out!

Strzok: I’m so looking forward to it! Bravo!

HRC: What else do we have to talk about to make this look good, Peter? Want to hear about my grandkids?

Strzok: Why, yes! Absolutely!

(Four hours or so later, HRC and Huma Abedin leaves. Coffee was never served; Agent P. never re-entered the room.)

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CNN – A Parody

A list of headlines, denials, admissions from the channel:

1 “This is C, No News.” (In James Earl Jones’ voice.)
2. Unlike our main competitor, “We decide, We distort.”
3. Zucker, Anderson “Can’t Take a Dump” Cooper and Don “Black Hole” Lemon are not in a love triangle.
4. Alisyn Camerota has not given up her job for the relatively honorable position of being a prostitute.
5. It’s only fake when we fake it.
6. We’ve been making shit up since Bernard Shaw; why stop now?
7. Where does it say the first amendment is an individual right?
8. We do our best to control the news narrative, why can’t we control some dude on the internet?
9. No, we don’t deserve being beaten up in a fake wrestling match and if you advocate this, we’ll publish your contact info so one or more of our unhinged viewers or Kathy Griffin (without make-up) will take care of business, if you catch our drift…
10. Apologies. Our viewers aren’t unhinged they just choose to be alternatively informed in the alternative universe we’ve created for them; why else would they tune in when we’ve admitted to making stuff up?
11. Chris Cuomo does not self-identify as a little girl in order to gain access to the ladies’ bathroom.
12. Remember when we gave debate questions to Hillary? Right, we were colluding and actively “hacking” the elections; Candy Crowley pulled it off in 2012!
13. Sure, our journalists are actually SJWs, aren’t all journalists? What are you going to do about it?
14. No, Wolf Blitzer isn’t really that dumb, that time on Jeopardy, he had buzzer problems.
15. The next time you see Fareed Zakaria on, try to forget that “GPS” means, “Globally Plagiarizing Scumbag”
16. Boycotts against us don’t work; we can blackmail our advertisers, as well.
17. Hey, give us some credit, we fail at our main job everyday but we get up and do it all over again and yes, some how, we really, really, do know what is best for your life. Remember we are the most trusted people in news.
18. Make no mistake, we are what we accuse others of being; “C, Neo-Nazis” (In James Earl Jones’ voice.).
19. Get on with your miserable lives, we’ll join MSNBC and take our viewers to a merry world in which Hillary is President!
20. Ask the New York Times, Trump made us do it!