THIS IS SATIRE.
Location: Washington, D.C.
Enter HRC and Huma Abedin; already in the room are two FBI agents, Peter Strzok and Agent P.
HRC: Good morning, gentlemen. So glad you can accommodate us here today.
Strzok: Good morning, Madam President. You are most welcome. I am so glad to meet you face to face; it’s been a dream and a true honor.
HRC: Of course. See if they are wearing any wires, Huma.
Abedin: Do I have to? Can’t we trust them?
HRC: Trust but verify! Search them and if you won’t, I will just have them strip so we can see what Lisa gets that’s so good. Well?
Abedin: Fine. It’s bad enough having to look at Anthony’s weiner much less his!
(She pats down Strzok and Agent P.) They are clean.
Strzok: You know, that felt good! We should do it again!
HRC: Shut up! Let’s get on with this. Agent P. go make us some coffee. Make sure you roast and grind the beans real slooooow, catch my drift?
Agent P.: Jawohl! I mean, yes, Madam President! (He leaves the room.)
HRC: Peter, on my way over here, I remembered a certain nursery rhyme. Want to hear my version of it?
Strzok: Why, yes, Madam President!
HRC: Say it Huma!
Abedin: I can’t remember it very well!
HRC: What the f$#k! It’s a nursery rhyme, how can you not remember it?
Abedin: But it rolls off your masterful tongue so much better, Madam President!
HRC: Don’t patronize me or I’ll have you sleeping with Anthony again!
Abedin: Please, not in front of the help!
HRC: Okay, okay! Peter, you listen and listen well, got it?
Strzok: Yes, Madam President!
HRC (clears her throat): Peter, Peter, conspirator
With many others and a lover
Peter may have to go to jail
Where he’ll be loved without fail!
Strzok (clapping but looking somewhat worried): Excellent! Most excellent! Ma’am!
HRC: See here Peter, you’ll do what I say and from here on out you’ll be most favored! Understand?
Strzok: Absolutely, yes!
HRC: Now, did you bring Comey’s draft?
(Gives her a document.)
HRC (reads document, shaking her head as she does so. Done, she clears her throat.): We are going to have a few fixes her, Peter. You know what “gross negligence” here suggests?
Strzok: Something criminal?
HRC: That’s right, Peter. Smart boy! Now why would anybody suggest that I’m a criminal when my f$#king opponent is that tasteless loser? You’ve got the guaranteed loser part figured out, right?
Strzok: An insurance policy against that douche winning, yes, Ma’am!
HRC: What do you know about douches, Peter?
Strzok: Nothing, Madam President, it’s just an expression.
HRC: I see! Well, we’re going to have to fix this draft, just like I said! It will take me some time to get it right. Understood?
Strzok: Yes, Ma’am.
HRC: Now, about my electronic devices, they’ve been destroyed?
HRC: And they weren’t any attempts to read them?
Strzok: None whatsoever!
HRC: Good, good!
Strzok: It’s highly commendable that Madam President knows what questions to ask!
HRC: You don’t actually believe the stuff you see on Fox News do you?
Strzok: Why, no, Madam President; of course not! But that clip about wiping servers with a cloth or something…
HRC: What the f$#k are you doing watching that channel anyway? I knew it! I knew it! I can’t trust anyone!
Strzok: But Ma’am…
HRC: Don’t f#$king but me…I said that to fool all those deplorables and Walmart shoppers…you know the people I am talking about! They eat up this crap just like they buy into the missing emails being about doing yoga and Chelsea’s wedding! Don’t you get it?
Strzok: Yes, yes! I do! That Gruber guy was right!
HRC: Damned right he was! Don’t you ever, ever question my judgment again. Understand?
Strzok: Yes! Madam President, there’s another pressing matter?
HRC: And that is?
Strzok: Bernie Sanders, Ma’am. What do you want to do to keep his mind right?
HRC: Don’t worry about that old fool! I’m going to make him an offer he can’t refuse. We’ve got it covered.
Strzok: I’m sorry to have to bring this up, Madam President but as I understand it, Loretta stays put as AG, Comey as Director, McCabe as Deputy and, and…
HRC: I know, I know. They are too many good people to mention. Look, I take care of my friends. Under my administration I intend to form a very, very, special, elite, unit, you may get to lead it!
Strzok: Inside the FBI?
HRC: Out of the White House! Ever heard of the Gestapo, Peter?
Strzok: Don’t compare us to them, yet, Madam President. We aspire, that’s all!
HRC: I know. But there’s our model. If these right wing motherf$#kers think Lois Lerner was a big deal; they’ll soon get straightened out!
Strzok: I’m so looking forward to it! Bravo!
HRC: What else do we have to talk about to make this look good, Peter? Want to hear about my grandkids?
Strzok: Why, yes! Absolutely!
(Four hours or so later, HRC and Huma Abedin leaves. Coffee was never served; Agent P. never re-entered the room.)