CNN – A Parody

A list of headlines, denials, admissions from the channel:

1 “This is C, No News.” (In James Earl Jones’ voice.)
2. Unlike our main competitor, “We decide, We distort.”
3. Zucker, Anderson “Can’t Take a Dump” Cooper and Don “Black Hole” Lemon are not in a love triangle.
4. Alisyn Camerota has not given up her job for the relatively honorable position of being a prostitute.
5. It’s only fake when we fake it.
6. We’ve been making shit up since Bernard Shaw; why stop now?
7. Where does it say the first amendment is an individual right?
8. We do our best to control the news narrative, why can’t we control some dude on the internet?
9. No, we don’t deserve being beaten up in a fake wrestling match and if you advocate this, we’ll publish your contact info so one or more of our unhinged viewers or Kathy Griffin (without make-up) will take care of business, if you catch our drift…
10. Apologies. Our viewers aren’t unhinged they just choose to be alternatively informed in the alternative universe we’ve created for them; why else would they tune in when we’ve admitted to making stuff up?
11. Chris Cuomo does not self-identify as a little girl in order to gain access to the ladies’ bathroom.
12. Remember when we gave debate questions to Hillary? Right, we were colluding and actively “hacking” the elections; Candy Crowley pulled it off in 2012!
13. Sure, our journalists are actually SJWs, aren’t all journalists? What are you going to do about it?
14. No, Wolf Blitzer isn’t really that dumb, that time on Jeopardy, he had buzzer problems.
15. The next time you see Fareed Zakaria on, try to forget that “GPS” means, “Globally Plagiarizing Scumbag”
16. Boycotts against us don’t work; we can blackmail our advertisers, as well.
17. Hey, give us some credit, we fail at our main job everyday but we get up and do it all over again and yes, some how, we really, really, do know what is best for your life. Remember we are the most trusted people in news.
18. Make no mistake, we are what we accuse others of being; “C, Neo-Nazis” (In James Earl Jones’ voice.).
19. Get on with your miserable lives, we’ll join MSNBC and take our viewers to a merry world in which Hillary is President!
20. Ask the New York Times, Trump made us do it!

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